AAC, Actually Autistic, communication, my experience, nonverbal

Communication and Going Non-Verbal: A Post On How I Communicate

I know it’s been a while since I wrote my last post. However, I’m back, with a new theme on my blog. I am writing this because I want others to know how I communicate.

Usually, I can give short responses to things said to me most of the time. However, this is not always true. Sometimes I am incredibly overloaded by trying to speak. I know what I want to say, but I can’t say it. The words are locked inside of me. I appear to be ignoring the person who is talking to me, but I am not doing so on purpose. I know what the person said. I know how to respond, and what to say. Yet I can’t say anything.

Trying to communicate by speaking is difficult for me. Even saying the things that I can say sometimes, such as short sentences, can be impossible. Explaining that I need to type what I want to say would not be easy either, especially when so many people think that I can use speech to communicate (I’ve faked it many times. Many people assume I’m fully verbal.) I’m not. Sometimes, when I’m lucky, I’m semi-verbal but that doesn’t happen very often.

One of the reasons why I can’t communicate using speech at all sometimes is because I’m being overloaded. If I’m experiencing sensory overload, I will likely be unable to say anything. However, I can always type. One thing many people do not realise is that even though a person is unable to speak, they can almost always use a different method of communication. Aside from sensory overload, I simply can’t communicate at all by speaking sometimes. I don’t know why I can’t speak, but I’m no expert on why nonverbal Autistic people can’t always communicate using speech. And, even when I’m not being overloaded, I can become fully nonverbal. I do not believe that me going nonverbal always has to do with overload.

Typed communication is real communication. -Emily Frost

So, I will go fully nonverbal sometimes. This does not mean I can’t communicate. I can still type everything that I want to say (as I usually do.) I guess this will be something about my disabilities that I won’t understand for now.

Summary: I am usually pretty much nonverbal, yet somewhat able to use speech to communicate. However, there are times when I go fully nonverbal and I can only communicate by typing.

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Advocacy, Disability, diversity, inclusion, Poetry, positivity

I Want To Live In A World, A Poem

This is my poem about inclusion and equal rights and opportunities.

I want to live in a world,

Where everybody is seen as a person,

Where everybody is seen as worthy.

I want to live in an inclusive world,

Where inclusion matters.

I want to live in an accepting world,

Where we are all accepted.

I want to live in an accepting world,

Where no one is rejected.

I want to live in a world,

Where equal opportunities are given to everyone.

I want to live in a world,

Where disabled people are accommodated,

Where Autistic people are not discriminated,

Where acceptance is virtue,

Where difference is not seen as a bad thing.

I want to live in a world,

Where we are all accepted.

I want to live in a world,

Where no one’s rejected.

However,

I am living in a world

Where things need to change,

Yet they stay the same.

I am living in a world

That I want to change for the better.

I am living in a world

Where I want to make things better.

I am living in a world

Where I want to play my part

In changing things for the better,

By writing this letter,

To myself and to the world.

The world where I live,

The world where things stay the same,

Yet they must change.

A Notice For Marie, Actually Autistic, nonverbal, Random Posts, Uncategorized

A Notice for “Marie”

This is a public post, but it is dedicated to someone who commented on my since-deleted blog actuallyautisticemily.wordpress.com. I hope that “Marie,” an anonymous commenter, will find this post because their comment meant a lot to me.

Dear “Marie,”

I’m Emily Frost. I am the writer of the post “Speech Is Optional.” I wanted to reclaim the old domain name of this blog so that I could reply to your comment, but I do not believe that will be possible. The reason why I could not reply to your comment is that you commented on my blog before I changed its domain name. My blog’s name was formerly actuallyautisticemily.wordpress.com and is now thestimmyautistic.wordpress.com. I do not know if you will ever find this post, but I can and will hope that you do because your comment meant very much to me. The comment below is not the comment I was referring to, but it is the only one I can find, so I hope that you can recognize it. This is my new blog. If you commented on my post “Speech Is Optional” in early July and claimed that your name was Marie, and if the comment below looks familiar to you, please let me know that you are “Marie” in the comments. Your comment means so much to me, and I apologize for losing the comment and not being able to reply. The “Marie” I am mentioning claimed to be “also Autistic and nonverbal.” If this is you, please let me know.

Marie’s comment

Nice post! I’ve always enjoyed reading your written work, and I am enjoying your new blog as well

Autism Acceptance, Autistic Pride, Disability, diversity, inclusion, my experience, Poetry, positivity

Loving Life, A Poem

This is my poem about loving and living life.

I love my life.

I live my life.

I am Autistic-

That’s a reason why I love my life.

I am artistic-

That’s another reason why I love my life.

I’m loving life,

Living life,

One day at a time.

I live my life.

I live my life because I exist.

I share the story of my life.

I share my stories because my stories exist.

I like my life.

I like being myself

After all, I can never be anyone else.

Stimming makes me happy,

Stimming is another reason why I love my life.

Stimming makes me flappy

Flappiness is another thing that makes me love my life.

I live my life.

I love my life.

I am neurodivergent-

This makes me happy.

I am Autistic-

This makes me flappy.

I experience my life.

I experience life because life is beautiful.

I live my life

One

Day

At

A

Time.

Loving life is what I do

Living life is another thing that I do, too.

Living.

Loving.

Experiencing.

Stimming.

I love who I am.

I have no interest in being “normal.”

Abnormality is not a bad thing,

Being myself is spreading my wings

And flying by flapping,

One day at a time.

I truly love how my life is mine.

I am proud to be me.

I am happy when I am flappy

And flappy when I am happy.

I am…

Loving life because I’m Autistic,

Loving life because I am neurodivergent,

Loving life because I love and be myself,

In a world where I can be no one else.

Loving life, living life,

Loving myself and being myself.

Being no one else, but myself.

Ableism, Actually Autistic, Advocacy, Autism Acceptance, Autism Awareness, Autistic Pride, Disability, diversity, Poetry, Uncategorized

Awareness Continues: A Poem

This is my short poem about what “autism awareness” is actually about.

Awareness continues.

Awareness continues to discriminate.

It continues to discriminate by deliberately ignoring Autistic voices, including those that are not spoken.

Awareness continues to deceive.

Awareness continues to deceive by claiming to be a “good thing.”

Awareness continues to harm us.

Awareness continues to harm us by discriminating, hating, and silencing us, just to name a few examples.

Puzzle pieces, blue lights, “awareness;”

A plan for silencing Autistic people and eliminating our existence.

Using puzzle pieces to represent me truly puzzles me.

I am not puzzling. I am complete, and I am proud to be Autistic.

Every April, blue lights and puzzle pieces surround you and me,

Representing how being Autistic is a tragedy

To our friends and our families.

Awareness continues to search for a cure,

A cure that should not and likely will not exist.

A cure that ends our existence.

Awareness continues to deceive; people continue to support “awareness” despite the many Autistic people who are against it.

Awareness continues to actually be hate and discrimination.

Awareness is hate, discrimination, and not listening to Autistic people.

Awareness continues to anger me.

Sadden me, hurt me.

Awareness continues to claim to be “powered by love” when it is truly powered by hate.

Hating Autistic people for being Autistic.

Awareness continues to not be something that I will never support.

Awareness continues to deliver a “hate speech,” as some Autistics have said.

Awareness continues to be truly ableist.

Awareness is ableism because it discriminates against Autistic people.

Awareness needs a cure; Autistics do not.

I do not want or need a cure.

I and other Autistics need acceptance.

Awareness is deceptive.

Awareness is harmful.

Awareness is the real “tragedy.”

Acceptance is beautiful.

Acceptance is what Autistics need.

Acceptance continues to help us and support us.

Acceptance is the key.

Acceptance, not “awareness,” which is actually hate.

Ableism, Actually Autistic, Autism Acceptance, Autism Awareness, Autism Speaks, Autistic Pride, Disability, diversity, inclusion, positivity

Why Autism Speaks Is Powered By Anything But Love

Warning: Autism $peaks, neurodiversity negativity, person-first language, and other disturbing content will be mentioned. Nothing graphic will be mentioned, such as types of abuse.
You might be wondering why I am against Autism $peaks, a very well-known organization. Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or one of Autism $peaks’s puzzle pieces,) you have probably heard of the controversy over Autism $peaks’s goals, intentions, and so on. There is actually a reason (or many reasons) why there Autism $peaks is a highly controversial group in the Autistic community (and why I’m against A$, or Autism $peaks myself. A$ is considered a hate group by many Autistics (certainly including myself.) This is what one Autistic person thinks of Autism $peaks.
Warning: Disturbing content ahead.
Autism $peaks believes in curing autism. That would probably involve things like genetic modification and other unnatural procedures. We do not need any of that. Autism $peaks is going down a dark path, and they want others to fall into their trap and also go down the dark path. The “dark path” was created by Autism $peaks, ableism (the discrimination against Autistic and disabled people,) and other negative things that I don’t even want to mention. The dark path looks like it’s bright and beautiful. That’s how it deceives you. Autism $peaks saying things like they’re “powered by love” is an example of this deception. Innocent people get lured into Autism $peaks’s trap all the time without realising what they’re supporting. Autistic people don’t need a cure because we bring diversity to what would be a boring place.
Autism $peaks is not run by Autistic people. The Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN’s) slogan is “Nothing About Us, Without Us.” Autism $peaks is a group about us, without us. They don’t have any (or many) Autistic people running their organisation, just a bunch of people who want to get rid of us.
Autism $peaks has called Autistic people broken, burdensome and beyond. That’s very degrading, ableist, and dehumanising. To Autism $peaks: Accept neurodiversity. Don’t change us, don’t dehumanise us, and don’t try to eliminate our existence. (You would have never been able to read this if I was eliminated. I’m thankful that some people accept neurodiversity. I’m thankful that I can speak for myself here.)
Autism $peaks uses puzzle pieces and the colour blue to represent us. The puzzle piece is degrading because it represents the belief that Autistic people aren’t people. It represents the [false] belief that autistic people are actually autistic puzzles. What’s wrong with the colour blue? It represents that only men can be autistic, and that’s not true because many Autistic women do exist. Anyone can be autistic, regardless of anything.
Autism $peaks uses person-first language. (As if I could separate my autism from myself and put it in my drawer!) Many people with autism Autistic people (such as myself) prefer identity-first language. I am Autistic, and I’m not a person with autism. I don’t have to add “my autism” to my vacation checklist.
Autism $peaks would have to make many changes to their group. They would have to light it up #Redinstead, change their logo to the neurodiversity symbol, accept neurodiversity, and much more.
There are other reasons why I don’t support Autism $peaks, and why other Autistic people don’t support them either. You can read other people’s opinions on Autism $peaks. The Autistic Self Advocacy Network is an excellent group to support. The dark path is filled with things like puzzle pieces, negativity and the colour blue. The brighter path (accepting neurodiversity) is filled with things like positivity, acceptance, and the colour red (instead.) The brighter path is the right one to walk down.

Actually Autistic, Autism Acceptance, Autistic Acceptance Month, Autistic Pride, Disability, my experience, Poetry, Sensory Overload, Sensory Processing Disorder

Experiencing Sensory Overload

If you were wondering how I experience sensory overload, I have explained it through poetry. I have many things to say, but they are “locked” inside me, and I can unlock what I want to say by typing it. And I have unlocked this for you. This is intended to take you into the experience of sensory overload at a mall, with the help of your imagination.

Imaging being at a mall.
Imagine what you are seeing,
Bright, colorful advertisements are everywhere, and they force you to look at them.
The store names cannot be ignored.
Nothing cannot be seen, you have to see everything at once.
Suddenly you become anxious and scared.
Image what you are hearing,
All sounds are at the same volume; the sound of others talking is as loud as your friend talking next to you.
The footsteps, the chattering, the music, the various noises…
They all sound equally loud, and it is extremely overwhelming.
Imagine the smells,
The smell of fragrance emerging from the perfume department, the smell of popcorn, the smell of a familiar food;
You smell everything all at once, and cannot distinguish the dozens of different smells that you are smelling.
Image what you are feeling,
The clothing tag on your shirt feeling like a needle poking your back,
The coldness of the room makes you shiver,
And when your slipper slips off, you feel the cold floor,
And it feels as if you are barefooted on ice.
And you are alone, you have no one to go to.
No one can help you, you are helpless.
You walk to the bathroom with a rapidly beating heart to calm down,
Only to be overwhelmed again.
The blow dryers are as loud as an airplane,
The flushes are as loud as air horns,
And you experience it all at once.
You cannot block out anything, you must experience everything.
Everything at once.
You are hungry and overwhelmed.
Miserable, alone, and you are nearly crying.
Your hands are shaking, your teeth are chattering.
You enter the cold food court, shaking.
You order food that you have never eaten before.
You sit down in a very crowded dining area, with noises, smells, and sights everywhere.
Your food shocks your taste buds with its strong, spicy flavor,
And you are unable to finish your food, still hungry.
You sigh a sigh of relief, knowing that you will now go home.
Your sensory experience is over, and you can finally relax.

Actually Autistic

What Does It Mean To Be Autistic?

Many, many people are Autistic. But what exactly does “Autistic” mean? What is autism and how does it affect a person? Well, you can stop here if you have been trying to #AskAnAutistic for the answers to these questions. (I’m Autistic myself, in case you are new to my website.)
Being Autistic comes with challenges and benefits. Most of the challenges come from society’s disapproval of Autistic people, the lack of acceptance and respect from some allistic (non-Autistic) people, ableism, and of course, Autism Speaks’ [puzzling] negativity. Being Autistic is not a bad thing. Autism is a neurodevelopmental disability which is likely genetic. There is no cure, and the search for a cure is disapproved of by me and many others in the Autistic community.
You might be wondering why I have never mentioned Asperger Syndrome. Asperger Syndrome is no longer a diagnosis, as it was removed from the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) in 2013 when the DSM-V was published. Asperger Syndrome was replaced with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD.) And I think that “Asperger’s” was a weird term for autism. I think that “Asperger’s” was too humorus of a term for a serious disability. Maybe that is why it was removed? This is just my opinion; some may agree with me and some may disagree with me.
Autistic people (NOT “people with autism”) are different. Our brains work differently. We may have difficulty with certain things, such as changes in routine, motor skills, figures of speech, and many other things. We love stimming. I will answer questions about the things I have just mentioned!
What is stimming? Everyone stims, but stimming is usually more “special” to Autistic people than it is to allistics and neurotypicals. Examples are rocking, hand flapping, spinning, using a fidget spinner, and lining up things. Autistic people may stim differently than allistic and neurotypical people. (In case you forgot, allistic means non-Autistic. Allistic people can be otherwise neurodivergent. Example: If Anna is ADHD, Anna is not neurotypical but is not Autistic either. Anna is allistic.). Stimming may mean that an Autistic person is happy, scared, anxious, stressed, bored, excited, and so on.
What are motor skills? Motor skills have to do with how well you can move, write, hold things, etc. Poor motor skills (a.k.a. dyspraxia) is the reason why I could never write neatly or color within the lines of my colouring books in my childhood, and why it is difficult for me to type today. Autistic people may or may not have difficulty in this area.
What about changes in routine? Autistic people usually have a “picture” in our minds of our routines. We are used to seeing that “picture” in real life, and when that “picture” is not the same, we may get upset. For example, if an Autistic person always woke up at 8:00 in the morning, but woke up at 9:30 today, that could be extremely upsetting. We hold on to these “pictures” of our routines. Drastic changes, such as moving to a new home or going to a new school, can upset us greatly.
What’s wrong with saying “person with autism?” Autistic people are Autistic, we do not have autism and we do not live with autism. We cannot cram it into our backpacks, we cannot hide it under our beds, we do not see autism as something that is separated from us. “Autistic” is our identity that we are proud of.
What is sensory overload? Sensory overload is when someone is getting too much input from their senses. Certain sounds, sights, smells, feelings, and tastes can trigger this. I am hypersensitive, meaning that I usually get too much input from my senses. Hyposensitvity is the opposite.
I may write a sequel to this, or I may add more to this post. I hope I have explained being Autistic in an easy to understand way.

Actually Autistic

Why I Am Proud of Being Autistic

Yes, I am proud of being autistic. I am about to tell you why I never tell myself that I’m a broken, burdensome puzzle because I am autistic.
I inspire other autistics by writing this. By just being autistic I bring hope to other autistic people. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being autistic. Groups like Autism $peaks started the whole “being-Autistic-is-bad” rumour. I support and celebrate neurodiversity. I am proud of being autistic because I believe that I was actually meant to be autistic. I am not ashamed. I am actually autistic, and I am proud. Whether you are neurodiverse or neurotypical, you are still a human being, and I accept you. I can honestly and sincerely say that being autistic is not something to be ashamed of. To me, being autistic is actually a good thing. I’m autistic and I’m not a broken, burdensome puzzle piece. I am a writer who is said to be very talented by the people who read my written work. My brain is different from the brain of a neurotypical, and that is okay. I am neurodivergent, and I accept that. I accept the neurodiversity of everybody. I wrote this to share my story about my life as an autistic person, and to inspire others.

Actually Autistic

Shamelessly Autistic

Gone are the days when I always tried to pass as neurotypical. Gone are the days when I would deny being Autistic. Now I am openly and proudly Autistic/Neurodivergent.
I am openly and shamelessly Autistic. If you do not accept that, I do not care. Because I have chosen to be openly Autistic. I have the right to not hide the fact that I’m Autistic from the world. I’m not ashamed. I’m not afraid. I’m proud. People may stare at me in disgust when I stim (hand flapping, rocking, etc.) But I don’t care because I accept myself. Instead of telling myself I’m broken and burdensome, I accept my neurodiversity. Instead of hating other people for being autistic/neurodivergent/disabled, I accept them, respect them, and love them. Seriously, I don’t care what other people say about me being Autistic. I do not need groups like Autism $peaks dehumanizing me. I have the right to be shamelessly Autistic. I can speak for myself. And I will speak for myself. I speak for myself by writing this. I do not worry about passing as neurotypical because that is not me and I have the right to be openly myself. I am proud of being Autistic and I do not want a cure. I am Autistic, and I am not afraid to say so.
This is a short post, but it’s inspirational. I wrote this to share my story and to inspire others.

Actually Autistic

I Do Not Care: A Poem

Summary: This poem is about how I do not care about what the world has to say about being Autistic, disabled, different, or anything that I am.
cw: ableism
I do not care if society does not accept me.
Being myself does not bother me.
They do not see;
They do not see who I am.
They do not see me,
They see what they think of me.
I do not care about pretending to be “normal.”
I am me, and I am my own “normal.”
I stay away from all things ableist.
I am Autistic.
Some will laugh when I’m not listening.
Some will never be understanding.
I do not care;
I do not care what they say.
I never even listened to them anyway.
I do not care if people assume my life is miserable.
I do not care if some say my life is unsurvivable.
My life is my own.
Your life is your own.
I will not listen to a single lie
About my life.
About me.
I do not care if I am different.
Diversity makes a difference.
I am artistic,
I am Autistic,
And I do not care what they say.
I do not care about who they think I am.
They will think I’m worthless,
That I’m hopeless,
That I’m better off lifeless.
They will lie.
I will survive.
I will speak for myself, even if I must type to do so.
There are so many things that they do not know.
About me, about us.
As one said, “Nothing about us, without us.”
I do not care, I do not care, I do not care.
Ableism is full of lies and more lies.
Innumerable lies about my life.
Disability positivity is what I care about.
Acceptance is what I care about.
Love is what I care about.
I choose to walk down the bright path.
I choose to despise the dark path.
I choose to be myself.
I choose to not be ashamed of my disabilities;
I choose to do things with the best of my ability.
They said, “You’re a burden.”
They said, “You’re broken.”
I said, “I do not care.”
-Emily Frost

Actually Autistic

Neurodiversity Explained

If you’ve been trying to #askanautistic about neurodiversity, you have probably found what you were looking for. I am going to explain what neurodiversity is truthfully-not the way Autism $peaks describes it. The way an #actuallyautistic person (myself) describes it.
Neurodiversity is all about the acceptance of those who are autistic, ADHD, and so on. By supporting neurodiversity you believe that neurodivergent people are not broken, but rather different. “Neurodiversity is a result of normal variations in the human genome,” according to the definition of neurodiversity. There is nothing wrong with us and there isn’t anything wrong with accepting us either. Neurodiversity is something to celebrate and support. If it weren’t for groups like Autism $peaks, neurodivergent people such as myself would be accepted as human beings. If you want more information on neurodiversity, check out the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, this website, websites written by autistic people, and more. However, Autism $peaks is a horrible source for information about autism and neurodiversity because they say that autistic and neurodivergent people are broken and burdensome (which is so not true!) Light It Up Gold and support #REDinstead for autism acceptance. Instead of using puzzle pieces and the colour blue to represent autistic people, use the rainbow infinity (neurodiversity) symbol. And, use identity-first language when referring to autistic people unless the person prefers terms such as “person with autism” (haven’t you noticed that I say things like “I’m autistic” and “autistics” on this blog? That’s no coincidence. I use identity-first language. Calling myself a “person with autism” implies that my neurodiversity is not a part of me, and that is not true. Also, many autistic people, including myself, do not find identity-first language offensive.)

Actually Autistic

Would I Choose To Be Neurotypical If I Could?

The answer is: No.
As I have mentioned many times before, I am Autistic. But if I could be cured of autism, and even if the cure was right in front of me, I would still choose not to be neurotypical. Why?
I’ve always been Autistic. Every day of my life, since I was born. Being non-Autistic would be a major change in my life. I do not know what it is like to not be Autistic or disabled, but I do know that it would be different. I am happy the way I am, and I am proud of my identity as an Autistic and multiply disabled person (I wrote about this in my recent post Why I Consider Being Autistic An Opportunity.)
The title of the post I just mentioned also proves that I do not want to be cured. I consider being Autistic an opportunity, so why should I turn down an opportunity just to be the same as everyone else? I’m proud to be Autistic, so why would I want to be cured? I have an example below to represent how silly I think a cure for being Autistic is.
Warning: awful example.
Chelsea took a science test. She got a score of 100, as always. She is proud to be gifted in science, and has never had any grades lower than 94 in science class. The next day, her teacher, Mr. Emerson, brought a special pen to science class that would cure Chelsea of her ability to ace science class. This special pen can guarantee that Chelsea will always get failing grades in science class. Her teacher asks, “Chelsea, would you like to use this pen for science class? Your high grades are burdening the other students, and if you use this pen, you will always have failing grades.” Chelsea says, “No, thanks. I am proud of my grades in science class, but that does not mean I think that I am worth more than everyone else. I do not need bad grades in science class. I have been able to ace science class my whole life, and if that were to change, I would not be me anymore.”
Hopefully my example helped you understand how silly a cure for being Autistic really is. Once again, I accept myself, and I do not want to be cured. I’m proud to be Autistic, disabled, and different.

Actually Autistic

What Is #Redinstead?

What exactly is #REDinstead? You can #askanautistic (such as myself.) I hope that I have explained #REDinstead.

Content warning: Reference to Autism $peaks and their intentions.

 
Autism $peaks is a dehumanising and controversial organization in the Autistic community. Autism $peaks (which will be referred to as A$ in the rest of this article) created Light It Up Blue, which is not a good thing, yet it is still very popular and well-known. Light It Up Blue gives me (and many other Autistics) the blues. Light It Up Blue, Autism $peaks, using puzzle pieces to represent Autistic people, and autism “awareness” (which is actually hate) are not good things to support. So Autistic people came up with #REDinstead, which is associated with neurodiversity, a very neuro-wonderful thing which is all about accepting people with disabilities. Light It Up Red seems much more positive than Light It Up Blue, and it is. Light It Up Red is all about acceptance, love, and support of Autistic people, and Light It Up Blue is all about hate, negativity, looking for a cure for being Autistic, and other ableist things that I probably do not even want to mention. As an Autistic person, I support #REDinstead. I also support the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN), an organization that is truly incredible (I am not exaggerating, ASAN is truly professional, accepting, diversity-friendly, and very positive.)
Now that you know about Light It Up Red, you can support it! Wear red, spread the word, and do other things recommended by #ActuallyAutistic people. I choose to accept diversity. I am against Autism $peaks, using puzzle pieces to represent Autistics, ableism, and anything negative. I am Autistic, and I support Light It Up Red. And let’s not forget the cheerful rainbow infinity symbol, which represents hope and the diversity of neurodiversity.

Actually Autistic

I Remember: A Poem

This is my poem about the true story of how I once worried so much about passing as neurotypical.
I remember passing as NT,
How it greatly stressed me.
I would stare into people’s eyes
Even though it killed me inside.
I remember trying to be someone who is not me.
I would never dare to flap or spin or be me.
I would never dare to ask myself “Why.”
Why I felt like I was miserable inside
And okay on the outside.
I remember how being “normal” made me cry.
I remember how it stressed me inside.
I remember when I would never stim,
Always letting ableists win.
I remember the things I told myself.
“Don’t do what makes you happy
If it also makes you flappy.”
I remember hating myself,
Being ashamed of myself,
Not being myself.
I would keep a straight face while in misery.
I would always hide my sensory experiences.
I remember how much I hated life,
How I wanted a different life.
I remember hating being Autistic,
I remember wanting to be allistic.
I remember the suffering.
The pain, the self-hate, the shame.
I did not forget.
Passing was unforgettable.
The misery was unimaginable.
The pain and stress was unbearable.
I remember how I decided to turn around,
How I stopped living life upside down.
I decided to make a choice,
A choice that would change my life.
I remember what I tell myself today.
To be shamelessly Autistic is to be without shame,
To be openly Autistic is to be without pain
To be proudly Autistic is to be without shame.
I no longer had to hide
Knowing that I would no longer be miserable inside.
Some will judge me,
But that will not stop me from being me.
I am Autistic, I am not allistic.
I am proud, I am happy, I am flappy.
And I remember the choice I made
That left me without pain and shame.
I am proud to be Autistic,
I am shamelessly Autistic,
I am openly Autistic,
And I am not ashamed.
I remember how I was ashamed of my disabilities ,
How I hated myself because I was disabled.
I now know that I can be proudly Autistic
Without shame and self-hate.
I now know that I can be openly Autistic
With self-acceptance and an identity to be proud of.
I remember passing as non-disabled,
Which will never happen again. Never.
-Emily Frost

Actually Autistic

I Am Proudly Disabled.

I am not neurotypical. I am not non-disabled.
So, what am I? Proudly and openly Autistic, neurodivergent and disabled. I’m not ashamed of being myself. I am special, and I am the only me out there. Being someone else, specifically someone who is non-disabled, is not my goal. Enjoying life, accepting everyone, helping others, knowing God, and being the best I can be are my goals. I do not need to waste my time trying to pass as non-disabled. I used to worry about passing as non-disabled, and that ruined me. Passing as non-disabled stressed me, depressed me, and ruined my life. I would hide my sensory overload when I experienced it, and I would hide every disability that I had. I would not be myself, and that made me miserable. I will never, ever worry about trying to pass as “normal” ever again. I am disabled, and I must accept that. I can not change it. The serenity prayer says “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” I will accept being disabled and Autistic, which is something I cannot change. I have the courage to change what I can change, and I change myself often to make me a better person each day. And I have wisdom to know that being Autistic and disabled is not something that I can change, but my attitude towards my disabilities can change (and it did.) Now, let’s go back to what I said about being proudly disabled and Autistic.
You may be wondering why I am proud of my disabilities. Disabled people are sometimes seen as “less than human.” Ableism has to stop, and it needs to stop now. My disabilities are a part of me, so the best choice to make is to embrace them and be proud of them. If I cannot do those things, I can still see my disabilities in a positive way. Ableist people have treated us unfairly. We deserve the same rights. Our disabilities do not make us as worthless as a ripped piece of paper. (Sorry, that was the best example I could think of.) I believe that it is okay to be openly disabled, whether you are in front of millions of people or just yourself. I would never say that my disabilities made me a bad person. I am actually glad that I can help other disabled people feel less alone. 20% of the population is disabled, if I am not mistaken. I just happen to be with 20 percent of the population. I am not ashamed of being myself. I am proud to be who I am; an Autistic and multiply disabled writer, blogger, and disability advocate. Remember, there is nothing wrong with being you.

Actually Autistic, Uncategorized

Why I Consider Being Autistic An Opportunity

You may be wondering why I consider being Autistic an opportunity. Many people think that it being Autistic = being weird. The truth is, we are not weird, just different. I will explain why I consider being Autistic an opportunity in this article. I believe that by doing this I can inspire other Autistic people and their supporters, and I love inspiring others. Sometimes there is nothing better than inspiration on a gloomy day, don’t you agree?
I consider being Autistic an opportunity because of many different reasons. First of all, I have an identity as an Autistic person, and there are only a few things I love more than identities. I have a group of people that I belong in, and because of that, I feel special. I am also different, and diversity makes the world better. If we did not exist, the world would be a boring place. No one would have special interests that would benefit humanity. No one would see the point in stimming. There are so many good things about being Autistic that I am actually thankful for being Autistic sometimes. I do not know what it is like to be neurotypical, but all I know is that I would not be me. I would not be Emily. I would be someone else. To be honest, I actually hated being Autistic in the past. That mistake made me learn a lesson; that I should be proud to be Autistic!
To all of the non-Autistics reading this:
I am not trying to make you feel bad about not being Autistic. I believe in equality among everyone. You can also be proud to be yourself! Whether you’re Autistic or not, you are special and unique, and you can be proud to be yourself. I have chosen to accept and be myself, and anyone can choose to do so.

Ableism, Actually Autistic, Burnout, Neurotypical Passing

I’ve Been Experiencing Burnout…

Ableism has made me feel horrible about being autistic lately. I want to stay positive, but ableist people caused me to have an autistic burnout. What exactly is an autistic burnout? I am about to explain that to you.

For a while, I have been experiencing autistic burnout. I have been working way too hard on trying to pass as neurotypical. Passing as something that you’re not is hard work. Actually, it’s too hard. It is very stressful and it is physically and mentally exhausting. I have mentioned being openly and shamelessly autistic, but that freedom I thought I had was taken away from me by ableist people who push me past my limits by wanting me (and practically forcing me) to pass as neurotypical. Because of autistic burnout, I just want to rock back and forth under a weighted blanket in a dimly lit, quiet room away from everybody. I do not hate being autistic, I just hate the fact that many people will not accept my differences. Autistic burnout is when an autistic person worries so much about passing as “normal” or neurotypical. The “side effects” of worrying about passing as neurotypical are stress, anxiety, and a few other things. Autistic burnout is not the most pleasant experience, and I’m doing all I can to stop worrying about passing as neurotypical. I am put under so much pressure having to pass as neurotypical. I don’t want to pass. I want to be openly and shamelessly Autistic, but ableism is really bringing me down. Hopefully I can find the courage to be openly Autistic. Trust me, it takes a lot of courage to even say that you’re autistic to somebody. (Ugh, ableism.) Luckily, I am trying to stay away and have nothing to do with what ableist people and organizations say about me. I am learning to [re] accept myself as an autistically neurodivergent person (lol!) You do not have to worry about me, everything is almost under control. I will choose to be myself and I will choose to be openly and shamelessly Autistically neurodivergent, (just the way I should be.) Remember, if you’re autistic or otherwise neurodivergent, you really do not have to worry about passing as “normal.” You have never been neurotypical, and you never will be. So the best choice to make is to accept yourself and your neurodiversity. (To be honest, my own articles inspire me to not be ashamed of being Autistic when I’m experiencing burnout.) You can learn from others about autistic burnout as well (I do not know much about it, I just know that it is a result of being Autistic and trying to pass as neurotypical at the same time.)

Ableism, Actually Autistic, Autism Acceptance, Autistic Pride, Random Posts, Rants

Autism is Not A Tragedy

I am truly tired of people saying that being autistic must be terrible. People like this may say things like “I’m sorry you’re Autistic.” There is no reason why people should think that being autistic must be a tragedy. I’m autistic and I always have been. My life is not a tragedy. Ableism is the real tragedy. Ableism is discriminating people because of their disabilities. Ableism is not funny. People sometimes use “autistic” as in insult. That is an example of ableism. I am proud of being Autistic, as I have said before. I’m openly Autistic, and I do not care at all about what ableist people say about me. I’m Autistic. That is not a typo. Being autistic is not a tragedy, and being disabled does not make anybody a burden. I accept everyone, and I accept myself (yes, I also accept my neurodiversity.) Autistics are not “worthless” or “broken,” nor are we anything else that ableist people say we are. It’s okay to be yourself. Even if that means you’re Autistic or otherwise disabled. Our lives are not tragedies…our lives also matter.

Ableism, Acceptance 101, Actually Autistic, Autism Acceptance, Autism Speaks, Autistic Acceptance Month

Acceptance 101: How To Support Autistic People During Autism Acceptance Month

You might be wondering how you can support autistics. Don’t worry, you have asked the right Autistic for information on how to support acceptance!

1. Spread the word on A$.

A$ is not a good group, as I have mentioned in previous posts. You may want to explain that A$ does more harm than good to autistics to someone you know that supports A$.

2. Write to companies that support A$.

Many companies support A$, and if you explain that they are not a good group, they may turn around.

3. Write about autism acceptance.

Whether you’re autistic or not, you can write about neurodiversity and the acceptance of it.

4. Light it up red and walk in red instead. 🙂

Light it up red is a good thing to support if you want to accept autistics. Light it Up Gold and Tone It Down Taupe are other examples of campaigns to support.

5. (For autistics) Don’t be ashamed of being autistic.

If you don’t accept being autistic yourself, you probably will not accept other autistics either. Accept yourself, and know that you are neurodiverse for a reason. You are amazing. There’s no reason to be ashamed of being yourself.

6. Support the alternatives to A$.

The Autistic Self Advocacy Network and the not-so-well-known Acceptance 101 Project are good organisations to support.

7. #Askanautistic about acceptance.

I’m #actuallyautistic (and maybe you are too.) My blog is a good source for info on autism acceptance, but many others, such as MissLunaRose, are excellent resources for autistic people and allies.

8. Get involved in autism acceptance.

Writing about acceptance and spreading the word on acceptance are two examples of how you can do this.

Ableism, Actually Autistic, Autism Speaks, Disability, Poetry

To Autism $peaks: A Poem

This poem/letter is about Autism $peaks. It may contain references to disturbing things such as ableism and person-first language. It was written to Autism $peaks.

 

To Autism $peaks,

You do not let Autistics speak.

Everything you do is against us.

You do things that are about us, without us.

I know that you want to keep us away.

You are basically telling us, “Go away.”

You say that we should not exist.

Honestly, I’ve never heard anything more ableist.

To Autism $peaks,

I know what you are doing.

I know what you are wanting.

You want to end our existence.

You want us to no longer exist.

Dehumanisation is what you support.

Acceptance is not what you support.

Ableism is what you support.

Autism is not something you accept.

Finding a cure is what you want to do.

Just imagine if I wanted to do that to you.

You lure people into your trap

And then they are brainwashed by your trash.

To Autism $peaks,

Everything you say is a lie.

Do I mind? YES, I MIND.

You are anything but kind.

You are the exact opposite of nice.

You say that you’re powered by love

When you’re powered by anything but love.

Dehumanization, discrimination, ableism-

Those are the things that you are powered by.

We tell the truth.

You tell lies.

You call us “broken.”

You call us “burdens.”

Your list of goals is on the list

Of things that are ableist.

To Autism $peaks,

Once again, you do not let us speak.

You silence us, you ignore us…

Your goal is to eliminate us.

Your goal is to disprect us.

You use person-first language.

You do not think that we are human beings.

You think that we are puzzle pieces.

You say that we are “puzzled to be solved”

When we aren’t puzzles to be solved.

To Autism $peaks,

You know what you are doing to us.

I know what you intend to do to us.

You want to research us so that you can cure us.

Who are we? We are Autistic.

I am Autistic.

I am artistic.

I am against everything you say and do,

And that is because we matter too.

Yes, Autism $peaks, I am writing this to you.

To Autism $peaks,

You know that you’re the reason why we suffer.

We don’t suffer from autism, we suffer from your ableism.

You alienate us.

You talk against us.

Would I end this? Yes, I would.

I would truly end this if I could.

You do not help us.

You do not accept us.

You do not support us.

You truly do hate us.

To Autism $peaks,

You are going down a dark path.

What you say about us is absolutely trash.

I am openly autistic,

Certainly artistic,

And I am also truly against ableist groups and people like you.

Acceptance 101, Actually Autistic, Disability

Acceptance 101: Acceptance Is In Your Hands

Do you choose to accept autistic people? Do you accept neurodiversity? Do you dislike Autism $peaks? If so, you are doing the right thing. As this article says, “Acceptance is an action.” I have chosen to accept autistics, being autistic, and neurodiversity. Acceptance is in our hands, and the same goes for neurotypicals. Anyone can and should support autism acceptance. Autism $peaks is walking down the wrong path. Accepting autistics can make the world a better place. Accept us. Don’t try to distance us from humanity. Autistics are human beings too. I hope that you choose acceptance, not awareness. Acceptance is in your hands. If you haven’t chosen to accept us, you can today. It’s never too late to accept us. There’s no need for a cure for being who we are. We have always existed and we always will. Accept us today. Maybe you should #askanautistic for more advice. But I’m doing all I can to spread the word on acceptance. Who’s going to light it up red instead with me? I hope you will!

Acceptance 101, Actually Autistic, Disability, Random Posts

Acceptance 101: [Confession] I Was Once Ashamed Of Being Autistic.

Believe it or not, I was once ashamed of being neurodivergent. I hated mentioning it and when autism was mentioned, I would try to change the topic quickly. I hated being Autistic and I forced myself to believe that I was neurotypical. I am no longer ashamed, and I accept neurodiversity (and being neurodiverse, of course.) I have learned to accept everyone.

The moral of the story:
It’s okay to be Autistic. I now know that there’s no reason to be ashamed. I am not a burdensome puzzle piece, and you aren’t either. I was once deceived by Light It Up Blue, and I will never listen to them again. My quote “I am Emily” was written below.

I am not a puzzle. I am not broken. I am not a burden. I am amazing. I am a person. I am me. I am Emily. -Emily Frost

I’m still experiencing writer’s block, and this is the only thing I could write. My confession of being ashamed of being Autistic has a message, which is explained in the moral of the story.

Actually Autistic, ADHD, Disability, Executive Dysfunction

Let’s Talk: Executive Dysfunction & ADHD

Note: My blog is becoming more organized.

My blog’s a mess. I have never tagged my posts, nor have I categorized them correctly. My bedroom is also a mess; the bed is usually a pile of blankets and sheets, clothes pile up in my closet and in the corners of my room, and the computer desk, where I sometimes write my posts, is covered in various office supplies half the time. I try to organize my room fairly often, but the clutter and disorganization always comes back. It’s like an endless cycle of neat and disorganized, continually repeating itself.

So you’re probably wondering why I let you experience a disastrously disorganized moment in my life in this post. Well, this is actually about executive dysfunction, something that Autistics and ADHDers sometimes have.

When you have executive dysfunction, staying organized is a nightmare. I must use things such as reminders and carefully plan everything I do. This makes busy days and unexpected events nightmares (which can lead to meltdowns) for me. I have a great long-term memory, but my short-term memory is an entirely different story. I usually forget what’s said to me within seconds after it was said. I think that this has something to do with executive dysfunction, but it may just be one of my many neurodivergencies.

Anyway, it’s really, really hard for me to concentrate. It’s almost as if I have to pay to pay attention. This is more of an ADHD thing, but since ADHD and executive dysfunction are usually co-occurring neurodivergencies, I’ve decided to mention both in this article.

Disclaimers:

#1: As I am new to the topic of executive dysfunction, I don’t know that much about it yet. As I learn more about it as I put further research into neurodiversity, I may write a second article, or edit this article.

#2: Many of my articles are based on my own experience. Therefore, I can’t speak for everyone.

**Before I go, I just wanted to let you know that I plan on organizing this website eventually.**

Actually Autistic, Special Interest of the Year, Special Interests

Special Interest Of The Year 2015: Office Supplies

My special interest of the year is office supplies. Pencils, binders; you name it. I have been collecting so many office supplies. I actually lost track of how many office supplies I have purchased within the past few months. At least I won’t need to shop for any more office supplies.

I’ve been collecting every single type of office supply that exists. Pencils, pens, notebooks, highlighters, planners; you name it! I try to make use of the office supplies I have collected as well. I may write grocery shopping lists with the notebooks and pencils, or draw something with the pens. I have enjoyed collecting these office supplies. There are still many more that I want, but I guess they will have to remain on my wish list for now.

Anyway, I just wrote this to satisfy the curiosity of anyone who wonders what my special interest is, as of now.

Blog Intro, First post

Okay, So I’ve Started Blogging…

Since I’ve been passionate about writing for quite a while, I decided to start this blog. I don’t know if anyone will ever read this blog, or even this article, but I’m going to write here anyway. I intend for this to be a blog where the focus is on disability and neurodiversity, while occasionally posting about other things as well.

Anyway, I’m Emily Frost. I’m an autistic & neurodivergent person who now writes a blog. Thankfully, due to previous experience with using things such as WordPress, blogging will be easy and enjoyable for me. Sometimes I’ll write often, and sometimes I won’t. I’ve moved from many previous blogs, but since I didn’t like the names of my old blogs, I decided to rename it to The Stimmy Autistic.

My current main special interest is neurodiversity. I’ve had an interest in neurodiversity for a while, and I regret not blogging sooner. However, I’m blogging now, and I’m happy about that.

I know that my blog will eventually become better than it is now. I’m looking forward to that day, but I’ve just started, so I’ll focus on the present.

Welcome to my blog. I know it’s not much at the moment. But I’ll try to write regularly so that this blog will be better than it is now.

I hope you had a great time this holiday season, and I am looking forward to the new year.